1985, 1989, 1994, 1997…

I’’ll get to those years in a minute.
     Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a hard subject to talk about. I have lost four babies to miscarriages. That’s what those years in the title represent. But there is one more loss that I don’t talk about. Ever. The only baby whose gender I knew. When I was pregnant with Jason, I was pregnant with twins. Him and a baby girl. We never knew about her until after Jason was delivered by C-section. They found her with the second sac in the after birth. They estimate that I lost her at about 4 months…before I even found out that I was pregnant. Her name would have been Faith Cecilia, after my mom and mother-in-law, respectively. The loss of Faith was most likely why I had such a rough pregnancy, outside of the gestational diabetes. It’s called ‘vanishing twin syndrome’. They only problem is, she wasn’t re-absorbed by my body.
     This news came as a shock to me. I was informed the day after delivering Jason. Per my request there is no birth certificate for Faith. She is not even mentioned in my medical records. But I remember her…every year. Jason is listed as a single birth.
     I think about the 5 children that I’ve lost. The five Angels waiting for me in Heaven. One would have been 30 years old this year. Faith would shared her 29th birthday with Jason this year (I got pregnant at the beginning of 1985, lost that baby and got pregnant again a few months later). One would have been 26, another 21 and my last would have been 18 years old. Maybe just having graduated from high school this past June, maybe in their senior year in high school, probably still living at home.
     I wonder what they would have looked like, who they would have become. I wonder about their personalities, what they’d want to be when they grew up. Being an only child, I’d always wanted a big family. I have it, they are just waiting for me in Heaven. I don’t know why, but remembering them this year is so much harder than it ever has been.

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